The Plan

Okay. First, an update.

Things with the boy are getting better - not perfect, but better. He has stopped with the random assaults, for the most part. There have been no punches thrown, no afternoons in the principals office, so that's better. He is still pushing and such with kids in his class, but we're expecting improvement, not miracles.

The girl is also doing better with the sleep thing. May have something to do with the prophylactic pain meds mommy is doling out nightly, but a little children's Tylenol is a small price to pay for a decent nights sleep. She has, however, ramped up the willful pre-terrible two's behaviour. At 19 months. Heaven help me.

So here is the description of the plan. It applies to both kids, in varying degrees, and is being implemented pretty consistently.

1. No mommy (or daddy) freakouts. If I can't control my behaviour, I cannot teach the kids to control theirs. If I want happy, cooperative kids, I have to be happy cooperative mommy. This may kill me. But it will be done. (The shocking corollary to this is no wifey freakouts either - can't lose my temper with hubby when kids are around. This may prove to be the hardest part of the plan. Will update as and when.)

2. No attention for undesirable behaviour. This is a difficult one. When the kids are acting like lunatics, I must not give them attention, as kids could care less whether it's good attention or bad, they just crave your time. So I turn my back to screaming kids. I refuse to be baited. I will not negotiate, debate or justify my position. Get in the bath, please means get in the bath, not ten minutes on why you need to wash daily. It's a straight instruction with an expectation of compliance.

3. No repeating myself. All requests are expected to be complied with. Failure to comply will have consistent consequence. I will not ask ten times for the 5 year old to go brush his teeth. I will ask once, and if it isn't done within a reasonable period of time, there is a consequence.

4. Reward system. This is two pronged. One side is for general behaviour during the day. Our primary objective with the boy is to eliminate the aggressive behaviour. If he has no aggressive behaviour for a day, he gets a sticker at the end of the day. If he gets 30 stickers, he gets to chose his reward. Rewards can be a special meal, a trip to the park, a new toy, etc. Also he has daily rewards for specific compliance of 4 certain tasks per day. If he does what is asked of him, he gets a marble. Each marble is worth 15 mommy or daddy one on one minutes doing something he likes per day. Reading books, painting a picture, watching a tv show. No compliance, no marbles. If I have to repeat a request, no marble. His 4 tasks right now are 1 - get dressed and brush teeth in morning. 2 - put on shoes and coat and get into his car seat in morning 3 -help prepare supper (set table, stir a bowl, etc as requested) 4- brush teeth and get into bed at night. That's it. That's what I want him to do for me in the run of a day. He knows that's what I want, and he knows what he gets for doing it.

5. Cool down time. We've replaced the completely ineffectual time out with a cool down. For the girl,it's one minute. If her behaviour is unacceptable - screaming, throwing things, etc, she goes into her cool down chair. She has to sit for one minute and have herself under control for at least 30 seconds before she can come out. If she comes out, time restarts. If she is not calm for 30 seconds, time restarts. We do not interact with her *at all* during cool down. If she comes out, without talking we put her back in her chair and restart the timer. Same goes with the boy. He has his own cool down spot, and his cool down lasts 10 minutes. At his age, there can be a punitive aspect to cool down. He also has to be calm for the last 30 seconds. If he gets up, time restarts. We also do not interact with him at all during cool down. This loops back to no giving attention to negative or undesirable behaviours. If I ignore his attempts to interact with me during cool down, he will eventually stop, the cool downs will be easier on everyone.

6. There is no holiday or reprieve from the plan. It applies all the time, everywhere. The kids can depend on me to react the exact same way to a situation, no matter how little time I have, how tired I am, who else is around, where we are, anything. If X, then Y. It's called logic. We are teaching it to our kids.

That's it. That's the plan.


We've been working it for a little while. There are some kinks. Things are getting better, but there is still a ways to go.

And if I can survive it, I think it will work.